#6/19 base: Bitching Forum
from: Denim
to : Stormwind
on : Wed 20-Sep-1995 1:10a *RECEIVED*

S> Laugh. Interesting point there. But even the best Crooks Get caught sooner
S> or later... Unless they work for the Mafia then they just pay off the
S> smart Cops :)

    Yeah... the main problem isn't that we're not catching enough criminals...
although that's part of it... it's that once we got 'em, we don't do anything
pointful with 'em.
    I mean, think of all the great things you can do with a convict. You know
what I think? I think it's time for a list.

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH A CONVICT

1. Sharpen his head and use him as a pencil.
2. Cover him with aluminum foil, wire him to your stereo, and stick him on the
roof.
3. The tango.
4. Use him as an extra.
5. Rent him out to art classes that need nude models.
6. Let him guard the cookie jar.
7. Hey, we all need license plates.
8. Sell him to slave labor camp where Dave's Top Ten lists are generated.
9. Tie him to a balloon and give kiddies blimp rides. (?)
10. I believe every American has a right to a personal food taster.
11. Launch an exploration of Antarctica.
12. Conquer Peru.
13. Make them follow certain designated annoying people around in their cars
all day, tailgating them, cutting them off, and being generally rude.
14. Place them between Stormwind and Shadowcat. (In fact, this is a good
reason to start marketing convicts in six-packs.)
15. Give him a hundred frag grenades and send him on a suicide mission to take
out Bill Gates. (Repeat as necessary.)
16. Put a blonde wig on him and send him into the ladies' rooms on campus to
see what the walls say about you.
17. Scare little kids.
18. Scare little kids' moms.
19. Run a few hundred thousand amps through him and use him as a light bulb.
20. Melt him and use him as detergent.
21. Stuff him in the blender and press "Whip."
22. There's a double meaning for ya --"chain gang." (If you're into that sort
of thing.)
23. Nail him to a post and use him as a scarecrow.
24. Bury him so that he sticks out of the ground from the waist up and pretend
he is a mandrake.
25. All-purpose TV dinosaur dispenser. Works in All Weather.
26. Write misspelled words on his face with a green crayon.
27. Put him in your refrigerator and watch your roommate's reaction when he
opens the fridge for a Coke....
28. Let him eat cake.
29. Send *him* to the rest home while *you* grow old pinching the asses of
women a fourth of your age in shopping malls.
30. Test out tattoos on him before you decide if you really want one.
31. Striped outfit can get you into football games: "I'm with the ref here."
32. When visitors drop by, have him serve whole pineapples to them. (*)
33. Point him toward the North Pole so you know where you are at all times.
34. Point him toward your bathroom so you know where your towel is at all
times.
35. Point him toward your copy of Winnie the Pooh so you know where your Tao
is at all times. (It's the same thing.)
36. Point him toward your copy of Windows 95 to remind you that there is evil
in the world.
37. Deoderant tester.
38. Stunt double.
39. Have him test out the airbag before you buy a new car.
40. Feed him to the Kiwis.
41. Use him as a rack for pool cues.
42. Auxiliary third stereo speaker.
43. It's a portable folding chair! Self assembling! May snore.
44. Fight off your swarms of fans.
45. Have him make jokes in public that you'd never make simply because they're
in poor taste and/or not funny enough to be worth all the trouble you'd catch
(e.g., in the middle of a speech in a huge assembly jump up and cry, "Heil
Hitler!" repeatedly until dragged away.)
46. Scratching post (again, if you're into that sort of thing.)
47. Spare tire.
48. Tell him to swallow the dice in the event of a raid.
49. Have him do your Calculus homework for you, and upon utter failure in this
area have him go up to your Calculus teacher, say "Fuck you, bastard/bitch,"
clap a pair of erasers in his/her face, and stalk off.
50. Have him type in delirious lists for delirious you when delirious
delirious delirious
51. delirious delirious delirious delirious, delirious.
51. But seriously, you can use him as a knitting needle and cruel yourself
another blue sock.
52. You can put him between your blanket and the camel and ride through the
Himilayas in style.
53. You can paint him in chrome, glue him on the hood of your pimpmobile, and
pretend you have a big ass gargoyle hood ornament.

That last is my personal favorite and I think I'm going to quit while I'm
ahead. This was more fun than I remember it being. Would the phrase, "Good Car
am I tired" be appropriate right about now?

(*) Have you ever seen a movie called "We're no Angels"? I thought not.